Te quiero. <3

She used to smile
And look directly at me
Which is more than I can say for myself
Who used to smile
And look away

Goodbye.

The invisible pain is the worst.

It is cold, and it surrounds me.

Rather like snow.

In my mind, it is snowing.

Odd for this time of year.

November, in my mind, is usually springtime.

And the default background is white.

White.

White.

Rather like snow.

A while ago, I committed social suicide hung up by a rainbow rope.

It's kind of nice.

It's fine if you complain.

Honestly, complain all you want.

Rant about anything and everything driving you crazy at the moment.

Hate life.

But you know what?

Just don't complain to someone who has it worse than you.

Trust me, they don't want to hear it.

Obviously, I have it better than a lot of people.

But I also know I have it a lot worse that the people who complain to me on a daily basis about minor problems.

Honestly, I don't care.

Maybe that makes me a shitty friend.

But if I cared about looking like a shitty friend, than I wouldn't even be typing right now.

So fucking smile.

Because tomorrow will be worse.

It's quiet, in here. I see nothing but white, and it surrounds me. It's odd for this time of year. The white spreads out, and expands beyond where I can see. There are a few people, here. There is an angel, an alien, a human, and a demon. The angel is beautiful, so beautiful it is difficult to look at her. She has long, curly hair, which is the color of sand, but the texture of velvet. She has bright blue eyes, and my heart melts when she looks my way. She floats when she walks, and it looks as though she is dancing. Her voice is one of a chorus, and it sings to me from miles away. Her skin is luminous, and the blush on her cheeks warms my soul. She is very innocent, and knows not of the evils of the world, and I would do anything to keep it that way. The misift has black hair, and grey eyes. He is shy, and he stutters, a lot. He is very clumsy, and very nervous. He shakes like an abused puppy, and clings to the angel and human like a terrier to a malman's pants. He has a healing touch, but touches few. He is apart from the planet, as we all are. The human is a fool, like most. He has short blonde hair that shines when the sun touches him, and a smile that brightens a room. He makes many mistakes, and cares too much of the world and the people in it. He lives in the past, and does not allow himself to be happy. He has lost everything, and cries at night for his losses. He fools the world with his cheerful laugh, but he does not fool me. He prays all day, hunched over his rosary. And lastly, there is the demon. The demon has wild black hair that sticks out at odd angels, and has dark circles under her eyes. She has many scars, and they cover her body. She has piercing green eyes, and a twisted smile that would send goosebumps down your spine. Her gaze is unsettling. She knows of all the evil in the world, and has sunk to it's level. She has killed, and inside, has been killed. She's had too much to smoke, and too much to drink. The darkness in her heart grows, and I watch from afar everyday as the light in her eyes fades. Speaking of light, there is too much in his place. It is blinding, and my eyes water. I stagger backwards, and now there is nothing. I dissolve into a million little pieces and float away, reaching for the angel, the alien, the human, or even the demon. But I grab nothing but air, and before I know it, I am gone.

.. Don't even get me started.

I feel the silence. The air surrounding me suggests stillness, like the calm before the storm. It's only a matter of time now before something breaks it, or before someone snaps. My brain is thawing, and I can feel the warm water trickle past my dry and cracked lips. I lick them and feel the air around me on my tongue. Warm, but the air is thick and I find myself breathing heavily, my lungs are slow and steady as they rise and fall. I taste blood, so sharp it tastes of copper, perhaps the taste of a new penny. I cough, but do not bother to wipe the blood from my palm. I smirk, and even begin to laugh. I laugh for a few minutes before I hear a noise. My head jerks unconsciously in the direction of the unsettling sound and my laughter ends abruptly. There is nothing but a blackness, a complete emptiness, and I now admit how frightened I really am. The footsteps continue closer to where I am standing, but faster now. I breathe more heavily than before, and unevenly so. And before I know it, I am running. I run for what seems like hours, and my scenery does not change. I run until my legs ache, until I am gasping for air, until tears are cascading down my warm cheeks. The footsteps are getting louder, ringing in my ears. I stop running, and hear his voice, "We have no reason to worry. Death is too scared to come close to a wild girl like that."  I hear his soft chuckle in my ear. I shake my head. I know how wild I once was, but that was before I picked the apple, before I kissed the bittersweet lunacy on the lips, and promised my soul to the cloak and to the dagger. I realize I am left as a coward. The footsteps stop, and I hear a girl gasp for air. I snap out of my sorrow and bring my gaze to what could only be described as an angel. A light radiated from the girl, blinding my eyes. I blink away tears, and when I again open my eyes, the light is gone, and so is she. I am left with only her voice "Why did you run from me?" I recognize it, as if from a dream, but I cannot place it or remember its source. I open my mouth to speak, but my voice cracks, and my words are silent. I run to her, to throw my arms around her, around something, but there is nothing. Only the voice. "You recognize me, don't you?"  Of course I recognize her. How could she even ask? But instead, I shake my head silently, and fall to my knees. I sob and hit my head on the cement hard, again and again. "Don't hurt yourself."  Instead of answering, I pound my head harder, but the voice will not go. In my head, she is crying, and my heart suffocates inside of me. I feel warm blood trickle down my head, soaking my face and drip dropping on the floor. I discontinue pounding my head and instead, I answer the voice. "I'm sorry," I whisper. Shh. You're so silly to cry over me. At this, I sob harder, my body shaking beneath me. My head is throbbing heavily, and I feel my breathing slow, my heart as well. My eyes begin to close, and I smile, because she is back. She whispers something, but I do not catch it. Instead, I close my eyes, and drift off.

I love you.

I don't like girls.

I love my girl.

I'm in love.

What makes you so different?

Emo entry. Don't read if you're happy. Don't wanna ruin your summer.

Is it wrong that I'm jealous?

I have

the same friends
the same drinks
the same love
the same summer
the same sunsets
the same rainbows
the same ugly outfits
the same a i r to breathe and..

Nothing.

I don't feel it.

silent
boring
far away
too long
night
dull
hideous
c h o k i n g  m e

I wish I could feel it but..

Time and time again..

left out
hungover
heartbroken
boredom
endings
ridicule
d e a t h

The glass isn't even half empty.

It's shattered to a million sharp pieces or filled with blood.

Nobody cares..

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

Well some do..

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

The ones who count..

Or haven't forgotten to.

Every day is rough.

But today was extra tough.

Perhaps a more accurate term would be..

Down the shit hole.

Just so tired..

So tired..

But I have to keep running.

Like I stole something.

(Note: CONTAINS FOUL LANGUAGE. Also, to those reading, none of these are about you. So don't ask.)


Too much of everything.

OVERLOAD.

I can't take anymore.

No more fighting, no more tears, no more unfortunate occurences, no more hurt, no more guilt, no more unacceptance.

Enough is enough.

Nobody fucking understands, and I am sick of it.

Never speak to me again.

Get THE FUCK out of my life and stay there.

I have a few bones to pick with certain people:

1. You better grow up. If you make her feel guilty one more time, I am going to FUCKING lose it. You make her cry again and we're both leaving your sorry ass, not to mention your fucking family who needs to get a FUCKING CLUE. Sell the god damn house, or we're going to be living on the streets within the next month. Also, if you don't fucking like the way I am, then you can KICK ME OUT OF THE GOD DAMN HOUSE, FOR ALL I CARE. Know what I'll do? I'LL JUST FUCKING MOVE IN WITH HER, DIP SHIT!
2. You need to calm the HELL DOWN. I understand what you're going through because I'm going through it every single day, too. Just breathe and speak rationally and maybe there will be less GOD DAMN yelling in this house. Stop talking about divorce and selling the house. If you want to do either of these, then just do them already.
3. I HOPE WE MOVE JUST SO WE CAN BE AS FAR AWAY FROM YOUR FUCKED UP MIND AS POSSIBLE. You think it's easy? You think we can just fucking choose to keep our life or not? GROW UP. Go through your fucking medical course or whatever the fuck you think you're doing. Since she offered it to you so kindly instead of my mom, who doesn't have a job, QUIT YOUR FUCKING JOB AND SEE HOW EASY IT IS TO GET ANOTHER ONE. I hope you humiliate yourself taking the test. YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT MEDICINE. SO GROW THE FUCK UP. Oh yeah, but I fucking forgot, it makes more money, doesn't it? Gee, I'm confused. I THOUGHT YOU WERE FUCKING WELL OFF. Oh, but I guess not. Because you couldn't fucking afford to give us some money for some god damn groceries, or to pay for any of us to go to the fucking doctor. Maybe you can take care of my problem, since you know so GOD DAMN MUCH ABOUT MEDICINE. Fucking tool. And, oh yeah, about the trailer. YOU STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY PERSONAL LIFE. You make my life a living hell and I hope you are fucking happy. And about me.. Don't like it? Kiss my ass. Fucking disown me. See if I give a shit. Ask me if I FUCKING CARE. I hope your son grows up to be gay. That'd be a fucking laugh. "Don't say that." is what you fucking said. BITCH. I never liked you and I hope you get the fucking clue.
4. OKAY, SO YOU HAVE PROBLEMS. You're not the only one. Stop moping around the school like life revolves around you. I'm not going to ask what's wrong when you're so obviously trying to get attention. I know you've been through a lot, but everyone has. If you want to talk about your problems, then we can in private. But if you're not going to tell me than stop making it obvious that you want me to ask. IT GETS ANNOYING. This is getting ridiculous. "It's okay, I don't feel pain anymore," or, "I'm done opening up to people. I can't get hurt anymore," or "This type of shit always happens to me." Pathetic.
5. BREAK UP WITH YOUR GOD DAMN GIRLFRIEND ALREADY. You think you're saving her? You don't even like her! You're staying with her for two reasons: because you say she cuts herself when you leave, and for sex. YOU NEED TO FUCKING STOP NOW. She cuts herself when you are together. Newsflash, that burn wasn't from woodshop you FUCKING TOOL.
6. I'm not happy for your pathetic "relationship." STOP TELLING ME ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE. If I hear that he "thrusted so deeply in your throat it made you gag" again, I'm going to fucking LOSE MY LUNCH. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOUR PROBLEMS EITHER. Get a friend who fucking cares. Because I don't want to hear about you and him anymore.
7. STOP "JOKING" AROUND WITH ME. It's not funny anymore. I'm tired of you making fun of me, and it's ending right now. If you make a comment on something I say one more time, I'M COMING AFTER YOUR STUPID PET HAMSTER.
8. YOU DON'T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE. STOP TALKING. I NEVER WANT TO HEAR YOU SPEAK AGAIN. YOU AREN'T FUNNY. YOU'RE ACT IS GETTING REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING. BE YOURSELF YOU STUPID FUCKING LOSERS. STOP RANTING ABOUT STUPID THINGS AND STOP TRYING TO SEEM MORE SUPERIOR. STOP TRYING TO LOOK LIKE GEEKS. IT'S RETARDED.
9. I HOPE ONE OF YOU WHORES SAYS SOMETHING TO MY FUCKING FACE. I will start a fucking fight in the middle of class if that's what it takes to punch any one of you in the face. IT WILL BE WORTH THE SUSPENSION to make you look like the fucking tools you are.
10. You only talk to me for one or two reasons. It's getting annoying. I understand that you have things to do. WE ALL HAVE THINGS TO DO. But I still make time to ask you about anything, and you fail to do so. If you want to get new friends or whatever, then do so. JUST STOP TALKING TO ME ALTOGETHER AND MY LIFE WILL BE JUST FUCKING FINE AND DANDY.
11. YOU ARE A BITCH. I wish she would have climbed over the desk like she wanted to and gotten a shot at you. I HAVE NO MEDICATION NOW. THANKS A FUCKING LOAD, DICKHOLE. All because my damn health card expired, and we can't get an appointment until July, and we have about ten dollars to our name so we can't pay for the appointment, and you wouldn't give me a GOD DAMN REFILL ON MY PERSCRIPTION, I'M GOING TO FEEL LIKE SHIT. I HOPE YOU ARE FUCKING HAPPY.


If I had money, I wouldn't buy any of the things I need.

I would buy something nice for my mother and for my girlfriend.

They deserve the best, and I can give them nothing.

I only take.

Thank you for all you've done.

And because I can't give anything else..

I'll give you my love, as always.

I'm sorry I can't do more.

Warned not to fly too close to the sun
I disobeyed, and was overcome
By the freedom flying lent my soul
I soared through the sky, came to close.

My frail wax wings melted
I flapped my wings, and nothing happened.
No feathers left to hold me up
Just flailing flesh, burning,
They'd had enough.

I fell to my demise,
Down, down, down,
To my surprise,
I fell, I drowned.

I was not meant to fly above.
Had no reason to be loved.

________________________________

My new signoff is Icarus.

So much change around me, but nothing has changed for me.

You can't lose something you never had.

Does that make me the lucky one?

Is it supposed to make me feel better?



It doesn't.

Seperate.

Let the last shred of sanity depart into multiple pieces, multiple people.

Let it shatter in such small pieces that you won't know who I am anymore, and you won't be able to find me.

Fuck up my mind even more, let it wither away slowly.

Punish me for my sins, let all I know bruise and break under my hold.

 

Uncomfortable chair.

White walls.

"Jessica?"

No response.

I walked into the small office and sat on another chair.

If it was uncomfortable, I didn't notice this time.

"Do you know why you're here, Jessica?"

I paused.

"Nah. Didn't make this appontment."

"I know. I've had some reports about your behaviour."

Silence.

"We recieved a few... Concerns about... A change in you?"

I raised my eyebrow.

"From?"

"We promised we would keep that confidential."

"I see."

She continued.

"How is life at home?"

I answered honestly.

"Fine."

"And how are things with friends?"

"Fine."

"And school?"

"Fine."

"Do you know any reasons why you might be here?"

"None."

"I've heard otherwise."

"You heard wrong."

She let this drop, and continued on a different route.

The condescending look in her eyes disgusted me.

"You don't know me. How are you supposed to help?"

"I want to know you. I would like to help."

She looked at me in a desperate way.

Seeing the desperation in my own eyes.

Wanting to be my saviour.

"You can't save me."

And then I laughed.

Laughed until I cried.

When my crying slowed, I laughed again.

And then she said, "We are here to help, Jessica."

"I don't need help. Nothing is wrong."

She was unconvinced.

I returned the glare with a condescending look of my own.

"Can I leave, now?"

And she let me go.

What a mistake.

The following night didn't nearly hurt enough.

The wild dog cries out in the night, growing restless and longing for some solitary company.
She looks above and follows a lovely heavenward creature; moonlit wings that reflect the stars and guide her towards salvation.
She seeks to cure what's deep inside, frightened of this thing she's become.
She's just an earthbound beast longing to fly.

You never cared before.

Why start now?

The  great  wolf 
             named Skoll 
chases the sun e v e r y  d a y
                             trying to eat it.

                At Ragnarok
           he will finally succeed
                devouring the sun 
                            while his brother Hati 
           eats the moon. 

FENRIR will b r e a k free 
                  and consume any good that is left.

   The stars will 
           disappear 
                   from the s k y
      darkness 
          engulfing the world.

     Terrible earthquakes 
                            rip the earth     a    p    a    r    t     .

Miogarosormur 
             The Midgard Serpent 
                        t 
                           w
                              i
                            s
                         t
                             s

                     his immense body
     in the ocean                                                  a             e
                          causing towering tidal              w                v            s.

All the gods 
            in a tremendous battle
only the great will 




f a l l.

Fire will be 
                               flung
in 
            all 

                     directions

the world will burn before the charred remains 
                                     




                                                       sink






into the sea.

My blood is murder.
My love is just violence
restrained.
Nothing but
hope will save my soul.

We can only hope for an end so beautiful.

I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her. I need her.

I need her.

I am nothing.

She won't come back.

I'm calling.

She's not there.

She promised.

I can't do this..

 

I need her..

I'm not suicidal.
I don't wish I was dead.
I just wish I hadn't been born yet.

With every death comes new life.
Thanks to Papa, we now have a healthy baby Tyler, whom we all adore and love.
I feel like we're kind of a lucky family, that we cheated because Papa didn't die.
Not really. He's with us in our hearts, alive forever.
Death does not exist. He's here, there. Everywhere.
He still sleeps in his room. He still drives the jeep. He still does the dishes.
Why are you crying? He isn't gone..
Why are we going to the cemetary? He isn't there..

I'm empty.
I'm lonely.
I can't do this.

Maybe I won't.